Hey there! Guess what will happen if I have 2 weeks of (almost, if you don't count learning for one upcoming exam and writing one paper of course) free time before one week of a big road trip?
Yeah. Here am I writing a blog post that will roughly put the events of 2017 together.

Zora Neale Hurston once said, "there are years that ask questions and years that answer."

And I guess, 2016 was the year that was full of questions and yet no answers. Leaving me walking into 2017 limply as I couldn't accept some of the things that were bound to happen in my life.

In 2017, the coldness of the first two months was familiar to me. Pretty much the same like last year. The following two months weren't much of a difference either. But for some reasons everything felt like a better version of 2016. So my naive mind thought that 2017 would be like a parallel story to 2016 - only in a better version (sometimes MUCH better). So I started to 'predict' things and making strategies on how to handle things differently.



I visited my friends in Mainz again. And it was so much better than my visit in 2016. I got to meet my two best friends and another friend. I got to ride a bike along the Rhein river at the same time of a festival, got drunk on the riverside, and having to sober myself up on the bench of the river (I was not alone being this crazy, okay). Long story short, I really enjoyed this visit more than words could say.

I spent the whole summer back home. Enjoying the sun, breeze, and the humidity that shaped me for the last 18 years before I decided to go. Strangely, this piece of home was also familiar like the one I got in 2016.. only better.



It all started in the middle of my stay, where I got a strong feeling that something would be over as soon as I go back to Germany.

And I knew somehow.. that it would be my attachment to him. The thing that started out at the end of 2015 and stayed alive for years, ate me slowly from inside, something that I thought will haunt me forever.

For some reasons the lyrics of a song called "Paper Mache Planes" by Nova and The Experience couldn't get itself out of my head.

And I’m writing my name on a paper mache plane
And I have been awake
For so long
And you struck me in the chest
You knocked out all my breath
You stole one of my songs

The feeling was similar as to being held captive. Your limbs tied tightly with ropes. At this time of the year and with the progress of this song, I felt like my heart was ready to let go. I felt like this was long overdue to end.

And I’m writing my name on a paper mache plane
You have been away from my reach
So much that I can’t sleep
So much that I can only see you in my dreams

My mind, as weary as it has been for the past year, silently bid its goodbye. But deep inside, my gut feelings still try to fight violently.

I arrived back in Bielefeld at the beginning of September and got some things done. I went back to the dance sessions and met some new people. I continued life and I was feeling more cheerful than ever, as I was preparing for my next trip to a new country: Bulgaria.

It was my friend's idea and it was her who scheduled the whole trip. I was there with her for five days and it was a crazy experience.

On the first day, we got lost in Sofia (the capital city) for like 4 hours trying to find the south station that will take us to Borovets and our asses were saved by roughly 8 strangers who speak good English and were patient enough to deal with us, who were so desperate at the time.

The next day was my 21st birthday, and I spent it with hiking up the Musala peak, meeting friendly people along the way. I got countless messages for my birthday wishes that day which I could not reply directly because I was trying to survive my ground and climb up the mountain under the scorching sun.



The same guy offered me to take me to the airport the next day (what an angel!), because my flight was at 06:30 in the morning and there were no public transport available.

Back in Germany, I had like weeks before the semester started. But at the same time, I was doing my last lab in Biotechnology.

Things start to get interesting in October, where I finally met my dead end and accepted whole-heartedly about this one thing that I promised to get over with before I went back to Germany. I was so broken and so lost. But at the same time, I felt like I was being set free. I was then starting to feel happy with myself, and starting to enjoy my life in a new perspective.

I was so content with just being by myself and surrounded by my acquaintances. Life was so light and my heart was quietly enjoying its peace. Then one day, I started going to the dance sessions more and started talking to one of the new guys that I met at the beginning of September. He was a nice and charming guy, my friend and I agreed on this. But I was not bothered at all to think about more possibilities. Not at the moment. Not until the several weeks after.

It was when he took my friend's hand instead of mine to dance one night, that made me realize how my chest itched at the sight. My next days in the dancing session suddenly changed my motivation: I wanted to know more about him. I started talking to him even more and danced. And one day, he kissed my cheek one time instead of the two times that his countrymen usually do for greetings. My heart skipped a beat and in the night, I thought to myself: "this is infatuation." the world just wouldn't let me rest.

Things escalated in the next days. From the softer talk to the flirts, his tenderness, and our first kiss. I was light like a feather. Sure, I dated some guys in the past months. But since the tragedy of two guys with the same name, I have never got to experience the same kind of electricity until this new guy came.

We started to see each other more. And besides all the sweetness, it was also rocky and confusing and unsure. But I had nothing to lose. The last guy that I loved had taught me how to lose nothing. Moreover, I am still young and I had lost a lot of chances for chasing the same guy for the past year. And so I was taking all the risks. I was ready for the worst.

And in all the chaos, I embarked to my last trip of this year, Portugal. In the cities of Lisbon and Porto.





I liked these cities. I just LOVE how the temperature always seems so right. At the end of October, Germany was already down to 10 degree-ish and in Portugal, I was still able to try out the newest dress that my aunt bought me when I was in Jakarta.


Sadly though, I was sick. And by sick, I meant really, really sick. I was down with fever and my head aches for 24 hours. I had a horrible croup which made me feel so bad when I was staying the night in Porto with 7 other people in the same room. I was basically a medicine box because I was always carrying some fever pills, coughing pastilles, and other meds that funnily DID NOT WORK. Other than feeling better, I only got worse.

I didn't get to see much of Lisbon. My friends were out in the afternoon exploring the city while I chose to sleep in the hostel because my body was aching so bad. I felt so miserable.I was never this sick when on a holiday. Not even when I was little! When I was in Porto, we visited this cathedral near the river and I even prayed there so that I could be healthy again.


Well, the reason was also clear. 7 days prior to the departure I was dead busy with writing my lab reports. Even the night before the departure, I was still up until 3 AM writing the thing together with my lab partner. And oh ho ho.. what a surprise that my body gave up right on the day where I go! Sad. So sad. I need to visit Portugal again.

When I arrived in Germany, I asked my guy to pick me up and he brought me to the doctor. I was so clingy in this week and somehow his presence was the only thing that could calm me, as much of a stranger as we were to each other at that time.

Long story short, the last weeks and months of 2017 were just about me and this guy. Like I said, it was rocky and unsure. I was almost sure we would be torn apart. But he got me so honest with myself and it was funnily comfortable to talk about deep things with him as if I had already met him more than just 2 months ago.

"If we're meant to be, there will only be ways that bring us together. And if we are not, we will be torn apart, no matter what. I just hope that we will not be too blind to see the signs."

For the love of God, I really said that to somebody who just got connected with me only for the past weeks. And the only thing he did was nod.

And another funny thing is that the circumstance really, only brought us closer. I was forced to embrace, to keep existing, to hold on. This was the exact opposite of my last case where I was forced to forget, to abandon, and to leave when I didn't want to. And for this one, I grew to want him more and quite fervent. I asked to life, "you never heard my cries, pleads and dreams about that friend of mine. Did you save them all for this one man?"

And maybe it really did.

It dawned on me why 2016 was such a boring shit where I got no satisfying love nor adventure (except Denmark!) and this could be the answer. Because 2017 was too much of everything.

I closed this year by getting over something toxic, by doing the things that I want, by being happy with myself, by falling in love.

Now 3 months of 2018 has passed (life just wouldn't slow down) and so far, it has been really, really good. I am so looking forward to do more things for my studies this year. And hopefully with this man by my side.

Thank you, 2017. For everything.